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As I was reflecting today, I felt like I am a much better person than I was last year. I felt like I've changed tremendously. Although I believe it's not a drastic change because I go through process, everything about me now is all new and it's refreshing. It's a happy realization, changing for the better. Of course as you grow older, you become the object of change, you become really better in all the things you do, and I'm just so happy that I can feel this change within me. Emotionally, intelectually, physically. Everything! I can now see beyond all the superficialities in the world. I was reading my past blog posts and it's so amazing what made me write those things! I was only 17 when I started blogging here and based on what I've been writing thorugh the years, I can really see the difference. I mean, there's maturity now for sure, I don't share so many angst in the net as much as I used to. As you can see, I only share the beautiful, the positive, the cheerfulness and I'm spreading happiness! :) Yes, there's still a bit of negativity every now and then but not so much anymore. :)
My last year's entries were all about a confused and somehow depressed me. A lot (or nothing at all?) has been going on at that time. I'm going through a process of rediscovering the sweet joy of being human but at the same time the bitterness of a heartbreak.. :p But it's all water in the bridge now. :) I am in a happy place at the moment. Last year, I partied hard. As in really hard, I admit. :p I decided last year I'm gonna spend the rest of 2010 partying because I deserve it and I wanna experience it, at least. Well, I get the experience that I want but at the end of the year, it made me realize that all the late nights I spent outside were all shallow, vain, useless, and a waste of time. However, I relish those moments because I now know the feeling - and it's a feeling of worthlessness so I'm never going to do that again. At least I already know the difference, I'm not that naiive anymore. Yes. Positivity in everything! :)
But today, I already know what makes me happy and what makes me at peace. I started my year writing down my goals for this year. The summary is that I wanna be fearless, bolder, loving, I wanna live a balanced life, to be cheerful, peaceful, relax, happy, grateful, and faithful. Five months after, I can definitely say with pride that I am achieveing these goals with triumph. :) You know that feeling when you're so happy and secured on the inside that even though your outside world is so chaotic, you seem unfazed? People are wondering why it seems like I don't have any worries, that I still laugh and smile despite all the annoying things that's happening around me. Why would I worry? I have a BIG God! I guess that is also the reason why I glow these days with so much happiness. I've been really faithful in my daily meditation and devotion eversince I started in January. Everyday, I feel like my wisdom and discernment about things increase and I know God made all these things possible. Everyday, I get comfort knowing that He guides my thoughts, my heart, my longings, I felt so blessed and really at peace. :)
Also this year, I decided to go back to one of my very first loves and it's reading books. I'm thankful for
this site because it keeps track of my reading history. Only five months since I started reading again, I've gained so much knowldege already! I know reading books also helped me grasp all these wisdom and maturity so fast. It's all so cool! :) I've been reading books the entire time that it's okay now for me to just stay at home and indulge myself in reading but of course since I also want a balanced life, I also have to have a quality bonding time with all my friends and it's always fun and I repeat, I loooove my life right now. :)
SO five years from now.. I don't know what's going to happen or what I wanna do in my life yet. If I wanna go studying or continue working.. It's still a blur to me although yes, it all depends on my decisions (with God as my co-maker, of course), I still can't make up my mind yet. But I wanna study philosophy also cuz I feel like I am going to be a philosopher myself if I'm trained or practiced well. Oh gosh, I really don't know yet. Basically, I'm happy with what's going on in my life right now, this future of mine is the only dillemma and it's a good thing because I know I have to make a change in my life because change is the most permanent thing in the world and for me to not get burned down, I have to really do it - all for the better.
To end this, I recently finished reading The Diary of Anne Frank and I realized I've been ruled by these statements of her all my life.. These words stuck to me because I really, really felt the same and I'm gonna share my thoughts towards her on a separate blog post.
These are her words:
"I don't have much in the way of money or worldly possession. I'm not beautiful, intelligent or clever, but I'm happy and I intend to stay that way! I was born happy, I love people, I have a trusting nature and I'd like everyone else to be happy too."
